When I was 25, I thought I had found the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I felt like I had finally found my match, and I was so happy. I had got in contact with a family friends son who I had known of for a long time but never got to know due to our age gap and the fact that our families had lost contact over the years. In the past before meeting Sameer, I had only been in a serious relationship with one person when I was at university who had shattered my heart because I was a lower caste than his family and his parents were never interested in getting to know me in the two years we dated due to the “shame” marrying someone from a lower caste like mine would bring them. That relationship had made me cautious of dating a Gujarati man again, but I thought things would be different this time because our families knew each other and both our mums were New Zealand born Indian so we both grew up with a mix of Western and Indian culture. I had also briefly dated Sameers younger brother when I was 18, but that was in the past and his brother was married and had a baby by now, so I never thought it would be an issue to be interested in Sameer.
I knew one of Sameer’s friends back in 2013 who had said he would put in a good word for me and try to get us in contact. I met Sameer when I went to Melbourne for a holiday with my mum that same year. As our parents were family friends, we stayed at his uncles house during our holiday. I had known his cousins for a few years as we had stayed at their house once before when we went to Melbourne a few years earlier too and they were a lovely family. One I had always wished I could have as they were a big family with lots of cousins around my age, and this was different for me as all my cousins are much younger than me. Sameer was 7 years older than me, but I didn’t see that as much of an issue, and I don’t think he did either. He came over to visit on the day we were leaving Melbourne when we were staying at his uncles house, and we chatted for a long time. We told each other we would keep in contact and we did. I hadn’t realized how difficult a long distance relationship could be, but we made it work. He visited New Zealand frequently because his parents and brother live here and he visited for Christmas and his mums birthday that year. That had felt like the longest 5 months, and with my grand dad passing away unexpectedly a few weeks before he visited for Christmas, I had realized how much I needed to see him and just know everything would be ok. I had been very close to my grand dad and didn’t take the death very well, especially since I had spent my whole life living only 5 minutes away from him.
When Sameer visited over Christmas, he invited me over for his mums birthday as well and I felt like I was truly included in his family. It was such a nice feeling after going through a tough few weeks with my grand dad passing away. He made me feel so spoilt and loved in that week. After he went back to Melbourne, the long distance just became more and more difficult. I started feeling like there wasn’t enough keeping me in New Zealand and I was sick of living here after being here all my life. Yes I had a job and I was studying towards my chartered accountancy, but it just didn’t feel like enough. I visited Sameer in Melbourne over Easter 2014 and I just felt like I wanted to stay there after spending 5 days with him. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to handle how much I would miss him after coming back to Wellington. That Easter trip was so good for my heart. I met his closest friends and he just made me feel so loved and spoilt during that trip. Obviously I knew that was just a holiday, but I wanted to just move and give our future a go. During that trip, we spoke about our future, Sameer said he would never move back to NZ because he had moved to Melbourne when he was in his early 20’s, and he had built his life up in Melbourne, and moving back to Wellington would be like a backwards step for him. I told him I had always wanted to move to Melbourne, but the only thing that had really stopped me was that I don’t have family there and I don’t want to live too far away from my own family and I wanted to get some work experience before moving – as I had only finished university in 2011. By now I had been working for over 2 years, and I know it’s fairly easy for accountants from NZ to find jobs in Australia. We both agreed that long distance is difficult, especially at the beginning of a relationship, so I suggested moving to Melbourne and getting engaged, and he said ok. The getting engaged part was more because I wanted our relationship to have some security, and I didn’t want our parents to be worried about us living together, so getting engaged seemed like the right thing to do if I was changing my whole life to move to Melbourne. He seemed happy about it though. So we were unofficially engaged.
After coming back to Wellington, I started making plans to resign from work and move to Melbourne in June. He wanted to come to Wellington for my birthday, and we thought that would be a good time for both our families to get together and discuss our wedding plans as well. Between Sameer and I, we had decided we would split all costs 50/50 because that’s fair. Hindu’s (and most Indians) believe that the wife’s family should pay for the wedding and the husband’s family pay for the reception, but between the two of us, we thought 50/50 was fair, so that one o us wasn’t paying more than the other. He also has a much bigger family in NZ and Australia than me, so he would have more guests than me. We discussed this and I thought we had agreed on it. During Sameers trip to Wellington for my birthday, his parents came over to my parents house to discuss wedding plans, and the first thing his dad said was that my family pay for the wedding, and we go 50/50 or his family would pay for a small reception because we are Hindu. My parents looked at me and I didn’t know what to say. I looked at Sameer and he didn’t say anything against his dad here. My parents didn’t want to cause any issues so me and my family just agreed. I never thought this was fair, because what happens when one event costs so much more than another? That’s why I had thought paying everything in half would be the fairest… What I also didn’t like was how his dad used the line “because we are Hindu”. His younger brother was married to a non-Indian lady and I couldn’t imagine that type of line being used on her family? I felt let down by Sameer because this isn’t what we discussed at all, and why didn’t he tell his dad this isn’t what we had decided? How can his family expect my family to pay for the whole wedding when he would have more family attending than me? Anyway, I ignored all this, because I didn’t want to make this into a big deal and just get on with our lives. Being Indian, it was a privilege to have parents that were ok with me moving overseas for a partner and them being ok with us living together. I was also just happy that both our families knew each other and I had thought there wouldn’t be any issues between the families because his parents had been such good friends with my grand parents when they were alive, so I never brought this discussion up with Sameer, my parents said they were ok paying for the wedding day and we should just keep the peace and not make the wedding stressful. We went to look at venues this weekend too, and everything seemed fine between our families during this.
I moved to Melbourne as planned in June 2014, and I moved into Sameers apartment. I had asked him if we could move into a bigger apartment because his apartment was a bit too small for 2 people. His friends sister had an apartment for lease in Southbank, which we were getting for a great price, so he signed the lease a few weeks before I moved over. We moved into the apartment a month after I moved, so for that first month I didn’t bother unpacking my suitcases as we were packing anyway. I had applied for jobs and set up interviews with recruiters before moving over, and from the day I moved, started going for interviews. On my first day, I accidentally caught the wrong tram after the interview to go back home and I rang Sameer in a panic because I ended up in St Kilda when we lived a few suburbs away. He called me silly for not looking at the tram properly before getting on and just sounded really annoyed that I rang him during his work day. I’m sure people have made sillier mistakes than this when travelling alone in a new city.
Within 2 weeks I found a job, I was over qualified for it, but thought it was still in finance, and it was a good company with room for progression, and coincidentally, across the road from Sameer’s office and not far from our apartment. His friend also used to work there and knew a lot of the people there so I thought it would be a good first job. I can’t even explain how happy I was in those first few months. Every few weeks we did something with his cousins, he had so much family in Melbourne that I can’t even count. Coming from a small family where our extended family don’t get together often, and the only cousins anywhere near my age are second cousins that I don’t know very well, having family and cousins close to my age was something I had always wanted growing up. I loved spending time with them and getting to know all of them. Sameer had lived on his own for a few years, but he was very close with his cousins, uncles and aunties.
We had decided we would have a small engagement ceremony/party when coming to New Zealand for Christmas that year at my parents house, since both sets of parents lived in New Zealand and it would save us making another trip during the year. So we started sending out invites for that in August, and planning. It was just going to be a small get together anyway. I thought I had adjusted to Mebourne life quite well. I was enjoying my job, making friends, and loved spending time with Sameer and his family. I was homesick sometimes though, seeing my friends photos on facebook used to remind me that I don’t live in New Zealand anymore, but having Sameer around took that feeling away quickly. I knew I wasn’t the best when it came to house work, I was lucky enough to live at home for 26 years with a mum who didn’t work full time so she always had time to cook and clean, so in that aspect, I was a little spoilt. But I did tell Sameer than if I wasn’t doing my fair share, to just tell me because it was my first time living away from home, and that too, moving to a different country.
My health also started taking a bit of a dive and I had started getting chronic migraines and was putting on a lot of weight. I put that down to the weather and lifestyle change and just hoped it would get better over time. I went to the doctors and Sameer came with me too so he saw the medicines the doctor prescribed me for the migraines and the doctor told him to make sure I take it easy as sometime stress and lifestyle changes can cause migraines Overall though, I was happy. I had a fiancé, decent job, friends, and was included in a family there. What more could I ask for?
Around September, things started going downhill. One argument I remember is that I had a migraine one morning and we were supposed to attend his friends engagement party. I slept in a bit and by the time I woke up, we had run out of time to clean the apartment. He kept saying I don’t lift a finger around the apartment, and we had a big argument while driving to his friends engagement party. He said we shouldn’t have even bothered going to the engagement because we hadn’t done our chores first. I couldn’t understand why cleaning was so make or break for him. It was only us two living there, we could clean whenever. It’s not like visitors were coming over or we were having an inspection or anything, and the apartment wasn’t even that messy! He kept saying it was ironic that my migraine was bad enough for me not to clean, but not bad enough not to go to his friends engagement. How could he even compare? I wanted us to be there for his friend’s celebration, whereas we could clean another day. He refused to understand how bad the migraines were and that I can’t even think when I have a migraine let alone clean or cook.
We had booked a long weekend to Adelaide over Melbourne cup weekend, the first weekend of November. A few weeks before that, Sameer started saying perhaps we should live separately and I should go flatting, and perhaps we should postpone our engagement ceremony. He was saying maybe we are taking things too fast. Yes, maybe we were, but if we were happy, then why not? Plus, I was 26 and he was 32.. sometimes if you know things are right, why wait? We had already sent out our engagement ceremony invites and I just couldn’t understand why he wanted to postpone. I kept saying no, we can make this work. I was thinking, the Adelaide trip would’ve helped us just connect and be just us two. It had been a very hectic few months for both of us.
The week before we were supposed to go to Adelaide, Sameer started saying just one of us should go to Adelaide and take a friend, rather than going together. He started sleeping in the lounge and leaving to go to work very early. We normally used to go to work and come home at the same time so this was so upsetting and scary for me. He had also told me his mum was going to come to Melbourne the following week. He had known already that my mum was also going to come to Melbourne that weekend (the week after our planned Adelaide trip) and my heart just kept on hurting. I just didn’t know why he was doing this. But I just kept trying to make things work and thought it will be ok, maybe we just need to discuss things with our mums as well.
The day before we were supposed to go to Adelaide, I was at work and Sameer texted me in the middle of the day saying he had gone to his masi’s house (aunty) and not to contact me because he needed time apart. I came home after work thinking, he will come back, just give it a few hours. I got home and saw he had packed a suitcase and taken his clothes and his car. I just felt so lost. I didn’t tell anyone for a few hours, thinking I don’t want people knowing what’s happened or over exaggerate it. I just sat on the sofa in shock for hours. Plus. We were going to Adelaide the following morning, surely he would come back for that? All the bookings were in his name and sent to his e-mail address so there was no way he would just leave me hanging? I fell asleep on the sofa, and woke up around midnight, and still no word from him. By now I was having an anxiety attack and I messaged the cousins who’s house he was at. One of those cousins messaged me back saying she didn’t know what was going on because she wasn’t at home, but she would tell Sameer to call me. I never heard back from her or her brother after this message.
I messaged Sameer asking him to email the Adelaide tickets or drop them off in the letter box because otherwise it was going to be a wasted trip that we had both paid for. If he didn’t want to go, I wanted to at least go alone. But no reply. The following day, I knew I had to tell someone what had happened but I didn’t know who to tell. Rachna, a lady around the same age as Sameer who I had become close friends with in the few months I had been in Melbourne, texted to say have a great weekend away. So I ended up telling her what happened. She came over straight away and tried to contact Sameer. He told her to stop contacting him. Then she told me I couldn’t stay in the apartment alone, so either she would stay with me, or I go with her to her flat. So we caught the train to where she lived. She lived in a house with some lovely flatmates so at least that would take my mind off things for the weekend. She rang my parents and told them what had happened. My mum was supposed to come the following weekend, but ended up bringing her trip forward to the Tuesday or Wednesday. I stayed at Rachna’s house that weekend in a state of shock. I know Sameer wanted to postpone the engagement, but I never realized he would have left me like this. He knew I had no family in Melbourne, and he knew I had left my life in New Zealand to move over for him. Within 4 months he had come to this, it’s like he didn’t give me any chances at all. During that week, I went to work, trying to pretend like everything was ok, because I didn’t know what else to do. I met his friend Christina for lunch one day and told her what had happened. She was in shock and told me she would try talking to him. Later that week, I noticed she had deleted me off facebook. So She had clearly been talking to Sameer. I took a gift for him and left it at the reception desk at his office, thinking at least that will show him I’m thinking of him?
My mum arrived that Wednesday and she was also shocked, we just couldn’t figure this out and what went so wrong. The following Saturday, Sameer came to the apartment with his mum and mama (mums brother). Sameer hardly spoke. First I was told off for dropping off a gift for him when I was told not to contact him. Then his mum kept telling me I had taken advantage of him and used him just to move to Melbourne without actually caring about him. She kept telling my mum what a bad daughter she had raised. That I barely cooked or did any housework. When I told her we both took turns cooking and paid all the bills equally, she said it’s expected for a wife to do more housework than the husband. I couldn’t believe a New Zealand born Indian in her 60’s was saying this. I thought she was more modern than this. For our 2 mothers who had grown up being family friends, I can’t even explain how rude this was of her. To throw that whole family relationship down the drain and talk to us like this. This too, less than a year after my grand dad died, who was one of her closest friends. I can’t even explain how wrong that was. This conversation could have gone so many other ways. She could have tried to find a resolution, or she could have told Sameer that I had only been there a few months and to at least give this relationship a chance- after all he is in his 30’s and his brother 5 years younger than him is already married and has a child, shouldn’t he really think about settling down soon anyway?
I had only been there 4 months, and to me it seemed like Sameer used to talk to his mum when I wasn’t around a lot because I don’t know where all these accusations were coming from. She said I had given up on my Chartered accountancy studies and just moved to Melbourne for an easier life and to take advantage of Sameer. To this day I never understand how. I was still studying for my CA. I got an accounting job within a few weeks of moving over and never used or borrowed any of his money. I got myself involved in a dance class to make friends, and he had subtley told me not to do it because we needed to focus on better things, but he didn’t understand that I had to find a hobby to make my own friends, and Bollywood dancing is something I’ve done most my life. I would never stop him playing sports or having hobbies, I don’t know why he was trying to stop me. He only earned around $75K, if I was truly taking advantage of my partner, wouldn’t I be dating someone who earned much more so that I didn’t have to work? $75K in this day and age is not a lot.
His mum was saying she had never seen him more stressed out in his life until these 4 months I was in Melbourne, and that he can’t handle that I don’t do any housework (which wasn’t true…). His mum was saying I don’t do enough for him, even though I had thought things were quite 50/50 between us. He earned $20K more than me, but we went halves on all the expenses and all the chores and cooking. It’s like all of a sudden, they expected I would become an indian housewife and do more than him around the apartment. We were both New Zealand born Indians, who had new Zealand born mothers, but I felt like I was dealing with unrealistic indian beliefs. There were accusations coming at me from everywhere and Sameer just wasn’t saying anything. He kept his head down while him mum was yelling at me. I felt like he had been talking behind my back to his parents all the time, and I was left not even being able to defend myself because they had all made up their minds. My mum then suggested that they all leave the apartment for a few minutes and let Sameer and I discuss things. So they all left, and I was literally begging Sameer to give things another go. He just kept saying he’s made up his mind and I have 2 weeks to move out. To this day, I can’t believe his mum came to Melbourne to break up with me.
His mama offered to help me look for a place to move into. I never thought my life would become like this after only 4 months of living in Melbourne, I just couldn’t understand why Sameer was doing this. His mama took me and mum to a few flat viewings, and my mum had told me she wouldn’t go back to Wellington until I find a place to move into. I managed to find a good flat to move into within that two weeks so packed my things and went. By this time, Sameer had blocked my phone number but I tried messaging him on facebook (and yes, he had removed the engagement status). I had paid Sameer around $700 for our Adelaide trip and asked him a few times to pay me back since I couldn’t go on the trip. He had said he would pay me back at first. A few weeks went by and I still didn’t get the money.
Not a single person in his family or friends circle (except about 2 friends) contacted me to ever ask how I was. They slowly started deleting me off facebook, and the ones who hadn’t never responded when I messaged them. This is when I realized they would all take Sameers side no matter what because it’s his family. None of them are interested in my side or my feelings or anything I went through. They all just assumed he was right. Or even if they didn’t think he was right, they took his side because he is family and I’m not. I had never felt so alone in my life. I wanted to die. I wanted to move back to New Zealand, but my parents told me to give things a go in Melbourne for a little while and that I might end up loving it there. I messaged his brother and sister in law a few weeks after the breakup, asking them to get Sameer to talk to me. To which his brother replied saying I need to respect his decision and move on. So cold hearted.
A few weeks later, we had a haircut booked together, and I kept my appointment, thinking maybe if he goes to his too, we could talk. I went to my appointment, and I am so sure I saw him walk up to the door, then turn around and walk the other direction. He must have seen me.
In December 2014, I came to Wellington for Christmas, we had booked our flights together, so again I thought I might see him. I know he came to Wellington every Christmas because his mums birthday is a few days after Christmas, and he works in a company that closes for a few weeks over Christmas. I messaged his sister in law during that trip to ask her to ask him to pay me back to which she says “you’re dreaming, I’m not telling him anything from you., Get over it and just move on Harita, and we were never your family”. How rich coming from her. She’s married with a child, telling me to get over my ex. This made me really annoyed so I replied to that saying theres no need for her to be so rude to me when I haven’t been rude to her, I’m glad she isn’t my sister in law- who needs someone rude like her in their lives? and why did Sameer change his flights? If he’s over me, why does he need to bother changing his flight to avoid seeing me? I also thought to mention about how Sameers parents wanted my parents to pay for the whole wedding day – they tell me I was taking advantage of him, but isn’t making my parents pay for the wedding day them taking advantage of us? Then she just replies – that he came early for a family event, and that was the last I heard from her.
By January, I still hadn’t got my money back, so I started asking his mama to ask him. His mama must have told his parents, because his parents ended up going to my parents convenience store one day, when they had customers at the shop and yelling at them. His mum told my parents I would not be getting the money back because that $700 was for the extra 2 weeks I stayed in the apartment rent-free (while I was moving out). The apartment cost $420 a week and since I was there alone for 2 weeks, technically I owed Sameer money. It’s like his parents didn’t care that once upon a time, they used to be family friends. His parents used to be so close to my grand dad when he was alive, and within one year of my grand dad passing away, they had become such rude, ignorant people, who were believing the lies Sameer told them about me.
Over time, I started finding my happiness there. I made lots of friends, I dated guys, and at least people don’t know each other or people’s history because Melbourne has so many people. In 2016, I met the wonderful man I’m now married to. I was left with so many unanswered questions with Sameer but over time I have realized those questions are not for me to answer. He walked out on me, I didn’t walk out on him. He felt the need to get his mother involved, not me. He’s the one who didn’t give our relationship a proper chance. I did my best and I had wanted to settle down with him. If he didn’t want the same, it wasn’t all on me. As we get older, we realise how little in life is actually in our control and all we can do it wake up each morning and try our best to make our lives and future good. I’m now 35 and it has taken me years of questioning and wondering to realise sometimes things have to be left unanswered.
This is Harita Gandhi-Kashyap’s real-life story shared in her own beautiful words with storyofsouls.com
About Storyofsouls
Leave your comments on how you like this story. If you love it, share it to bring that change we wish to see in the world.
You can also share your inspiring story with us at replytosos@gmail.com. Story Of Souls is an initiative where we invite people to bring their stories to us. We want people to “write to heal.” The idea of Storyofsouls is appreciated by ALL INDIA RADIO. An Online Platform where you can share your real-life stories. The impact of our stories has reached the UN and Harvard University. For some real-life stories, web series are also planned. You can also visit our YouTube channel. You can follow us on Facebook LinkedIn Instagram
Storyofsouls is glad to inform you that we are now a Google news-verified platform.
We are proud to inform you all that storyofsouls.com is the official TedX MotiJheel Kanpur Partner for their upcoming event.
